Warning: Spoilers, Maybe....

OK, I was right...Bummer.
"Hitchhikers" failed to meet even my lowest expectations. It was dreary. We kept waiting for it to get better, but somehow, we knew it wouldn't. The Blond, Boy III, and I tried to figure out what went wrong on the way home.

1. The characters were one-dimensional. Trillian, rather than appearing capable and confident, came across as, well, Zooey D. Ford lacked all of his lovable disconnected, self serving quiet arrogance. The Vogons looked and acted like rejects from an old "Power Rangers" episode. I shouldn't even bring up Zaphod. Zaphod, the wildly complex, misunderstood-even-to-himself renegade was reduced to a bithering surfer dude better played by Sean Penn in his "Ridgemont High"days.

The only character even remotely interesting was Slartibartfast, but he appears entirely too late to save this fiasco.

2. Condensing a story for linear film purposes is difficult enough if you understand and love the story. (Positive Example: Lord of the Rings. YMBMJ?) "Hitchhiker's" couldn't decide what it wanted to be: weird and disconnected, or following a plot? The novel, deliciously, did both. This film does neither. The plot makes no sense, doesn't convince, and drags along slower than a Yugo. But in the absence of a coherent story line, they also failed to capture the bizarre, British irreverence that makes all the nonsense work. Doogie said it best, "Monty Python would have done a good job on this film, but these guys just didn't get it."

3. The whole thing had a cheap, Saturday Morning Cartoon feel. If it was intentional, it didn't work. Marvin looked ridiculous. The tragedy (and humor) of a hyper-intelligent robot trapped in a banal existence was obliterated up by his silly, "Space 1999" appearance.

4. The two-headed trick didn't work at all, but I've already covered Zaphod's problems. Was there anything good in this film?

The "Guide" itself was decent. Knowing they couldn't make it absolutely fabulous, the filmmakers chose instead to keep it simple and graphic, giving it a nice feel reminiscent of signage in the London Underground System. The parts of the film featuring the Guide were also the most humorous, as they consisted of direct quotes from the late Douglas Adams himself; author of the Hitchhiker's series.

I think the saddest part of the whole mess was in the end credits when they dedicated the film to Adams. "For Douglas," it said. Thanks, but no thanks.

I could go on and on, but I just want to publish this and get on with my life. Better days are coming.

Believe it or not, the Episode III trailer looked pretty good. Uh-oh.

Concerned

Tonight, the Blond and I are planning on going to see "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", but I'm concerned.

My concern isn't that our son, who wants to go with us, has to work. If he can't get off early, we'll just go without him.

I'm not concerned that we can't afford it. We just pretend that we can.

I'm not even concerned that we will be considered to be a big bunch of nerds for seeing it on the first night. That fact has long since been established.

No, here is my concern: I'm afraid, quite simply, that the film is going to stink.

We were big fans of the first three books. (After that they jumped a galactic-sized shark)
The BBC Radio series was brilliant.
The Trailers seem like a lot of fun.

So, where's the concern? A couple reasons...

Last night, as I was busy rebuilding paintball guns, as usual I had the TV on for background noise and Zooey D (whatever...) was a guest on Conan. You may remember her. She played the blond opposite Will Farrell in "Elf." She plays the important role of Trillian in THGTTG.

Man, what a zero.

Call me a purist. I know it's not necessary for an actor to be a fan of the role they play, but she didn't seem to have a sniff about what the story was all about. She had to be one of the most bland guests I've ever seen on a talk show.

Then Conan asked her if she enjoyed seeing herself play a character in the film and she said she "Missed her part of the film. It's just a small part and she slipped out to use the bathroom."

Trillian is a SMALL PART?
What's going on here?

Then they showed a clip. Uh-oh...I hope that wasn't the FUNNIEST part of the movie. The rest could be like season 3 of "The Apprentice".

It just seemed so forced.

But we're going to see it anyway, 'cause that's the kind of movie-critic family we are.

But do I have reason to be concerned? Put it this way...


In the movie, Zaphod only has one head.

Uh-oh...

Really, I'm Not That Cheap

The other day, it got down to about 32 degrees in our house.

There wasn't a power outage or terror attack or anything like that. It's just that I have this rule: After April 1st, winter is OVER. I turn off the heat and expect it to stay off until about, say, next February.

It's not that I'm inherently cheap in everything. I just don't like paying extra money to the man that could be going to other, more productive endeavors.

So anyway, we get this "cold snap". (In APRIL! Who'd figure it?) The blond and the whiner (Oops, I mean my reason for living and the very air I breathe...) start to complain about how "cold" it is in the house.

Sitting in our dining room, they tried to reason with me.
"I'm turning on the heat," the wife shivered.
"Yeah, it's freezing!" whined the girlscicle.
"No way! Winter is OVER!" said the idiot.

Doogie didn't say anything. I don't think he feels temperatures.

"C'mon, this is stupid," said the spouse, "Here, feel my hands."

She extended a bluish claw toward me.

"Yeow! Holy Cow!" I screamed as she made contact, "Put some gloves on!"

I kind of sensed right there that I had lost the fight.

It was a warm weekend in the house.
Everyone was happy, except me.


I turned the heat back off today.

Then Again, the Boys Just May Be Right

Kind of Surprised

Yes, I'm a bit surprised.

I'm not surprised that so few logged in to take the Pictorial Test. Three entries is actually about 150% of my regular readers, so from an increased traffic perspective, the post was a smashing success.

I am surprised because, with the previously discussed nerd level of this little blog-circle, NO ONE thought the picture looked like this.

Mike came the closest. Big deal, I still haven't changed my color scheme, so we know what honor that will bring to him.

Housekeeping notes:
Yes, Reinman, Mom DID make the fruit thing.
It was delicious. The best part was the sour cream dipping sauce.
Now that I've seen the actual picture, I don't really see the similarity either.

Pictorial Quiz

Because Reinman has shown us that interactive Blogs are best, let's do a psychological test. (rhyming unintentional)

OK, one at a time now... Besides a tray of delicious fruit that Becky made for dinner, what does this picture remind you of?

"Never end a sentence with a preposition, but to lend authenticity, always put a lot of quotation marks around."

A Confession

This Post was entirely my daughter's idea.

She has taken to wearing my hat while she's online. I call it her internet hat. At any rate, I went into the spare computer room and saw this. She must have thought it looked pretty cool, cause she posted about it on her own blog. Problem was she couldn't post the picture of it from our ultra-lame spareputer" 086".

So I helped her post the picture.

Then I stole it.

I figure it's like this:
She would never been able to post the pictue on her blog without my help, therefore I have an intristic right to her intellectual property, thus assuring joint-ownership of said JPEG, with all the priveleges therein, up to and including posting this property on my own site.

Besides, it's my hat.

OK, OK, We Have a Winner

Since the only person to respond to my fabulous "Pick a New Color Scheme for my Blog and Win Absolutely Nothing" contest was the same person who insinuated the ugliness of IABTABK in the first place, I now, by default, at the end of one very long, run-on sentence, declare "Mike" to be the winner.

Now he wants to know why I haven't actually changed the colors yet.

I will, Mike. Now that the weekend is coming, I may find time to adjust the template.

Or I could take the same small window of time to deposit some birthday $$$$ in your account.

Hmmmmmm...

Look at a couple pictures while I decide.

Katrina's Dad

We took this picture a couple years ago in London. AIO Fans...Katrina's father was an industrialist. In what area do you think his business got its start? (If you aren't an old AIO listener, you don't have a sweet clue what we're talking about, so relax here instead.

Two Favorite Ladies...I post these for two reasons.
1. Mike appreciates pictures from home.
2. If I don't enjoy looking at my OWN blog, why should I ever go there, let alone post anything?

Grammar's not your Grandma...

I want to thank Dan for pointing out a previous grammatical error. I have now gone back and repaired the "to" vs. "too" debacle in a previous post. Whew. I'm just glad it was "Dangeresque" Dan, and not The Immortal One. (Reinman, is that REALLY him in that picture? It doesn't look like him.)

That would have been soooo embarrassing.

Speaking of embarrassing, I actually posted (for about 2 minutes) the classic "its" vs. "it's" error. Then I edited it before any one of my 256,000 readers logged in to witness my carelessness.

Thank goodness for The Song. (Irony alert: The SB E-mail is also from "Dan".)

Vonnegut

When I was a snotty college kid (no clever link here, because all the college kids I know are REALLY COOL) I used to read books by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Recently, for several reasons, I had to re-screen a couple of his novels that I first read during those self-absorbed, arrogant, elitest days of my youth.

It's amazing how my perceptions of the author have changed...

I used to think he was quite humorous.
Now I see that he is just a sad, bitter old man.
Hi-ho.

I once believed that he was insightful and a voice of reason in a chaotic world.
Now I see that he is simply naive and misguided.
So it goes.

I used to really enjoy each page, wishing that the story would continue.
Now, I couldn't wait for the end.
And so on...

I imagine that in another 20 years or so, I will realize how moronic, misguided, and full of gammatical errors this blog is.

Oh, wait. I realize that now.

Never end a sentence with the word, "is".

Some Kind of Blog

So what type of blog is this to be?

Movie Reviews? That would be too easy. We watch about 50 per week.

Pictures of my family? I still haven't updated the slide show to the right.

Paintball? I have another blog for that.

Question and answer? I did that in my 1st post and wouldn't stoop to it again.

Silly links? VERY TEMPTING...but no.

That only leaves comedy. The problem is, I'm usually too tired to be funny.

So instead, I''ll rehash some old, obvious stuff.

The following words are officially declared by IABTABK to be funny:

Monkey...

Monkey Butler...

William Shatner...

and, of course,

Underpants.

I'm going to bed.

My Favorite "Color Analyst"

With an indigenous friend. (I think its name is "Joey" or something)

Color Scheme

My son, who currently lives, works, and studies in Brisbane, Australia reminded me in a recent comment that I STINK at choosing colors. Mike, it's one of the many reasons why we miss you around here. The other is that the dog hasn't been groomed in some time, and is beginning to look and smell like a used handi-wipe.

So, to Mike, and any other color-aware blogger types out there, here's your chance. Create a new color scheme for this blog, and I will acknowledge your contribution in a future post. (Not much of a prize budget here)

You can get the color HEX codes off of sites like this. Just e-mail me the codes and where the colors should go (Background, Text, Titles, etc.) . I promise to use the winner's suggestions to re-do the template, as long as I don't have anything else to do.

Me Not Smart

Somehow I messed up my template so it became impossible to comment on my earlier, profound post or the fabulous pictures below it.

Therefore, if you would like to comment, you can do it here, as I have managed, against all odds, to repair the malfunctioning computer.

In closing, having reviewed this page, I now realize that my face was never intended for close-ups.

Film Fest...Old News

I do not want to become one of those Bloggers who sits and whines about how hard it is to come up with things to write about. Yet, I realize that if I don't post stuff, there is no reason to visit this site.

So, while I intend to agonize further on what kind of blog this is to be at a later date, for now I will take the easy way out...

PICTURES!

These are from a recent film fest at BSU where some good entries were recognized, but some good films were pretty much destroyed by Bad Projection and Bad Sound. The Film Fest was not held here but it might as well have been, considering the quality of equipment used.

For the full story, visit You Never Can Tell With Bees. It gives you more detail, and is, quite frankly, a better blog.

I just like these pictures cause I know the people in them.

A Rare Shot of Col. Havoc sans Paintball Mask 

Two Film Fest Fans: Photo Courtesy of "Glam Shots by Deb"

A Couple of Directors and "The Jilb"