Wednesday, January 21, 2009

A Pictorial Quiz

Here's the Scenario:

The year is 2013. Constant meddling in natural recession/growth economic cycles has resulted in enough bail-outs, hand-outs, and misguided* government-created (ie: tax revenue draining) jobs that Americans with actual private sector (ie: tax revenue generating) jobs only comprise 5% of the economy.

You are part of that hard-working 5%.

However, in order to pay for the rest of these programs, you are now taxed at a rate of 100% of your income.

Fortunately, you also live next door to the Berenstain Bears.

Which of the Bears do you shoot and eat?

There IS a correct answer. Think creatively. The Colonel awaits your responses. The first clever reader with the correct answer will receive Mad Props in the Comment Section.

The Blond is not allowed to play.

*"Misguided" refers to Government meta-jobs created for the sole purpose of trying to reverse a natural economic cycle. These have been proven to lengthen recessions, not shorten them. The Colonel is, of course, NOT referring to educators, police, snow plow drivers, or our military, God Bless 'em!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Dupont Dynamite Factory: Carey Lake

Snowmobile License: $48.50
MN Trail Pass: $31.00
New Drive Belt: $60.58
Replacement Clutch: $371.00
Fuel: $2-$3 per Gallon
Knowing your cross country skis are already paid for: Priceless

Sorry, that was sort of "Sierra Club" of me. I really just wanted to post these pictures of the Old Dynamite Factory 'cause I think they're cool.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Things I Do Because I'm a Moron IX

The temperature last night was 35 degrees below zero.

The Colonel, who is a moron, decided to visit the Northern-Most McDonald's in the lower 48 United States.
Here, an alert manager demonstrates the frigid temps by tossing a cup of water out the Drive-thru window. What you are seeing is the water crystallizing in mid air. It was pretty cool.

While in Baudette, the Colonel stays at the beloved "Walleye Inn". Long-time readers of this feature will remember it as a facility that politely asks its guests not to clean their fish or run their ice augers in their actual rooms.

I seriously love this place.

It was on the drive up in this sub-zero weather that the Colonel logged yet another adventure in the Moron chronicles.

After previously swinging by another fine restaurant location for a Large Non-Fat Latte, I was mentally, emotionally, and most importantly, physically looking forward to a quick stop at my favorite rest station, about half-way between I-Falls and Baudette.

It's just a little shack by the side of the road, but it's always plowed out, relatively clean, and very conveniently located.

Imagine my disappointment as I rounded the corner and saw only an empty field covered with snow.

"Oh, no! They tore it down! what am I going to do?"

You have to understand, I really REALLY wanted to stop, like, right at that moment.

So, I pulled the Vibe over, and (I am not making this up) trudged through three feet of snow to a small stand of trees.

Feeling much colder, but strangely better, I then struggled uphill, back through the waist-high powder.

The Colonel was seriously exhausted by the time he reached his vehicle. Holding frozen hands over the heater, I continued to mourn the loss of a very important comfort station.

"How could they tear it down? Don't they realize how long this stretch is? How desolate? Are these the kind of random acts of government we can expect in BOA?"

I started the car and pulled back onto the highway, still fuming over MNDOT's lack of consideration for my biological comfort.

Rounding a corner fifty yards further, I saw the rest stop, complete with a plowed out parking lot, right where it had always been.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Sub Zero Talent!

The Colonel's phone tends to ring whenever the Multi-National Media Conglomerate Powerhouse that is Double Deuce/Rainy Day Pictures has a project that meets the following conditions:

1. They require a character whose entire description consists of the words, "Old Guy".

2. The temperature for an outside shoot has fallen to less than 2 degrees Fahrenheit.

Such was the case last night, so the Colonel and the Blond loaded up some warm clothing (Fool: you won't remember to wear them!) and Vibed over to Bemidji State University. (A favorite location in the sense that it allows the production company to avoid being arrested.)

On the way over, the Colonel practiced his line. (Yes..."line"... singular... The directors have a keen sense of evaluating and properly assigning acting talent.)

"No!" he practiced at the Blond, "How was that?"

"Try again," she said.

"NO!!!!" the Colonel rhapsodised, "No. No? Noooooooooooooo! no? n-n-n-n-no?"

"Don't give up your day job."

After dropping of the Blond to play with the Grandgirl, (lucky...) the Colonel proceeded to a desolate parking lot.
The production company was already assembled. In fairness, I should point out that they had already been outside in frozen conditions the entire day.

The Camera was just one item in danger of freezing. Ears, toes, and other body parts completed the list.

Using a convenient heated hallway to rehearse (stand here...don't move...don't say anything...good job) we ventured back outside to shoot the scene.

Three "protagonists" huddle up to figure out a way to outwit the Colonel's crafty character.

The Colonel BRILLIANTLY decided that his character should stand out in the scene by not wearing a hat. The Writer/Director concurred because he is a Sadist.

Warming back up between takes. The Director of Photography (on the right) is actually frozen in that position. They simply wedged the camera between his hands when we went back outside.

All in all, it wasn't that bad. (Until the feeling returned to my toes later that night.)

Double Deuce/Rainy Day should wrap up principle photography in the next day or two, and be ready to submit their work to fine cable networks everywhere.

Hopefully, The Colonel didn't mess up the scene too badly.

On the plus side, I got to punch the Writer/Director in the eye...twice.

On the other hand, I also get kicked in a very private area.

It really belongs on PBS, but they need the exposure.