Monday, November 07, 2005

Things I Do Because I'm a Moron III

On the way home yesterday, I stopped at the local grocery store to pick up some lunch before the Viking's game. I was, of course, still wearing my Sunday Costume. In the dairy aisle, I was stopped by a dignified, older woman (about 125, I think). She must have been harking back to a more idyllic time in America; a time filled with Burma-shave signs, 5-cent Grape Neehi, and grocery store clerks who wore suits and ties.

"Excuse me," She said, breathing dust on me, "Do you work here?"

This has happened to me before, so I responded the way I always do...

"Not really," I smiled brightly, "What do you need?"

She must not have caught the first part. "I only want to buy half a carton of eggs. Can you get me a half-carton of eggs?"

I glanced up at the Egg Display...

She pretty much was asking me to sell her 25 cents worth of eggs.

"Uh..." I said, cleverly.

"WELL!" She said, "You've done it for me before!"

How could I argue with that? I pulled out my
Leatherman(tm), and used the searated blade to hack a carton of eggs in half. I handed her one half, and placed the other half inconspicuously back on the shelf. (It looked like a mouse had eaten it.) Apparently satisfied, she said, "Thank-you," and walked away.

Later, at the check-out, I heard a cashier in the lane next to me asking some pointed questions...

"What is this? How did this carton get cut in half? Where did you get these?"

I heard the recipient of my random act of idiocy say, "That nice, handsome young man who works in the dairy department did it for me."

I paid for my groceries and didn't look back.

As with all posts on the Band Blog, most of this is reported EXACTLY as it happened, but I may have stretched the truth in one part.

She didn't say I was handsome.

(The "Controversial" 4th Moron Installment begins Here.)


Blogger Jilb said...

Oh my gosh! I loved it! That was so funny!

9:56 AM  
Blogger Reinman said...

Haha, terrific post!

By the way, I searched and searched your blog (for about thirty seconds) but could not find the original "Things I Do Because I'm a Moron."

My curiosity is officially piqued.

12:46 PM  
Blogger dangeresque dan said...

Only 1 more post to go . . .

2:11 PM  
Blogger Colonel Havoc said...

Now that I think of it, the Original Post was entitled, "Black Helicopters" in a shameless attempt to capture more readers from the Dale Gribble crowd by getting hits from search engines.

"Things I Do Because I'm a Moron" was just part of the text, but somehow I remembered it as a title and started a series...

...what a moron.

2:21 PM  
Blogger Isaac said...

Ok. So Asta and I were sitting here, reading this, and thinking the same thing: it's so unbelieveable... and yet... we could SO see it happening. And thus, we must ask, knowing full well that merely by asking we are showing a tendency towards moron-ness, did this really happen? Thank you.

Isaac and Asta

3:44 PM  
Blogger Colonel Havoc said...

Yeah, I actually did cut it in half for her...I mean, what else could I do? And I do carry the old Leatherman with the most formal of attire...

The more I think about it, the more I think I owe the store 25 cents...

6:46 PM  
Blogger dangeresque dan said...

I was hoping for a picture of Radar for the 5 cent Grape Neehi.

12:45 PM  
Blogger Colonel Havoc said...

When you're right, you're right.

The Colonel blew that one.

2:22 PM  
Blogger Larry said...

She probably thought you were Rob.

Do you think that would work with milk?

1:48 PM  
Blogger the devine one said...

HA. You're hi-larious!

2:23 PM  
Blogger Graceland King said...

So you're the one! I hated when customers would cut their our eggs. Usually they would do a lousy job so we couldn't sell the other six. But when cut correctly, it brought more money to the store by selling 1/2 dozen instead of a whole dozen. You don't owe the store .25 cents, you owe it to me!

2:59 PM  
Blogger Colonel Havoc said...


...this means that when she told me that they had done it for her before, she wasn't lying to me, or having a senior moment...

This changes things.

I need to go to my "happy place" for a while.

8:37 PM  
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