Hawaii: A Brief, Hearing-impaired History

First of all, the Old Lahaina Luau was fabulous.  We would recommend it to anyone.

The guys came out and dug up a few pigs for us to eat.

 

And the rest of the food was awesome. 

The band was pretty good too.

And the Hula presentation was terrific, I think.

The problem, as my long-suffering family never hesitates to point out, is that decades of playing loud rock and roll, with my left ear facing an amp that goes to eleven, has left me unable to accurately keep track of any conversation or important information happening on that side of my face.

As luck would have it, that was the ear that was facing the main speaker, as the Old Lahaina dancers gamely attempted to educate this old, deaf guy on the history and culture of Hawaii, as told through the ancient art of the Hula.

Let the reader understand, the performers were exceptional.  Any misinterpretation of what they were depicting rests entirely on me.

Here then, is my Hearing-impaired history of Hawaii, to the best of my ability to decipher:

It all started, I think, when a Volcano-type Goddess made a whole lotta rumbling.  A lot of this involved coconut shells and grass covering the swimsuit areas.

Later, another Volcano Goddess would fall in love with a human, Polynesian prince.  Her younger sister, however was not too happy about this, and tossed the prince into a volcano.  Major shenanigans ensued.

But then the two sisters made up, so everything is all right now, except that the prince is a briquette.

Later, the Missionaries would come.  Not much changed, except the Hula was outlawed, and everyone wore a lot more clothing.

In 1874, King David Kalakaua would bring back the Hula, so everyone was pretty happy.

In the 1920’s the tourist trade really began to pick up, and everyone switched to evening gowns.

Now, we book the Luau online, eat a lot, applaud loudly, and must not forget to tip our hardworking servers. (Seriously, our guy, J.P. was fantastic.  He even found my sunglasses after I left them there.  Saved me $12.95 at the ABC store the next day.)