Friday, September 16, 2005

My Mom Didn't Exactly Lie To Me...

But now that I think about it, she was an old wife.

Do you remember all those things we were told as children, that turned out to be a load of
horse hockey?

"You CAN'T go swimming until a half-hour after you've eaten. You'll get a cramp and die."

Ok, why aren't the newspapers FILLED with stories like this?

Laguna Beach, CA:
Vernon L Abernathy, 37 of Port Garabaldi drowned today, a mere 30 feet from the shoreline of his private beach. Authorities suspect cramps.

Here's a stat from 2004:
Deaths by Shark Attack: 7
Death from Cramps caused by getting wet 29 minutes after eating a Fudgescicle: 0

How about this one...

You HAVE to sit at least 1 foot away from your TV for every inch of screen size. If you violate this rule, you will die of

So if you had a 19 inch Television, you had to sit 19 feet away from it. Since many living rooms were about 15 or so feet long, this resulted in various "home improvement" projects, many involving "Sledgehammers" and lots of "
Budweiser". (Not at our house.)

To obey this rule with our current
screen size, we would have to set up our basement sofa at a safe distance away in, say, Montana.

Also, where are the radiation wards full of nearsighted people like me who, ignoring their mothers, sat three inches from the screen in order to watch Jonny Quest? (What a great show...sigh.)

Here's another: You may not know about this one:

When I was 7 (1969), our home was
actually destroyed by a tornado. After that, we had a reasonable concern over developing weather patterns. What was not reasonable was our technique for predicting these severe storms.

We heard somewhere that if you suspected there was a tornado in the area, you needed to perform the following procedures on the most advanced meteorological tool in your house: The Television.

1. Turn the Knob to Channel 2. (Note to 90% of my readers: Televisions used to have a channel changing knob that you would get up and turn by hand. Seriously.)

2. Turn the "Brightness" all the way down. (Note #2: Yes, they also had a "Brightness" Control on the front, as well a a "Fine Tuning" knob that never really "tuned" anything.)

3. QUICKLY flip the Knob to Channel 13. If there was a tornado in the area, the screen was supposed to turn totally white.

I can't tell you how many times the wind would begin to blow, and one of us would DASH to the television, not to catch a national weather service warning, but to begin fiddling with the knobs.

Can you see the local news team reporting?
"Well, Jim, Doppler Radar shows a line of severe weather heading our way, the Itasca County sheriff's Department reports sighting several funnel clouds, but just to be sure, why don't you reach over to the old Magnovox there and turn the brightness down?"

"Whoa, it doesn't look good, Bob."

So what Old Wives Tales do you remember from your childhood? Go ahead and post a few, and everyone else will make fun of them.

Bonus Questions:
1. Remember how mad your aunt would get when you'd cheat on the "Half-Hour" rule? Wasn't that great?

2. How many different spellings are there for "Fudgescicle"? Discuss.

3. Have you ever seen "Jonny Quest vs. the Cyber Insects"? Ugh. A travesty of Lucasian proportions.

4. There were also knobs labeled "Tint", "Sharpness", and "Contrast". What exactly did these do?

And yes, Kranny, I know that the monitor in the sound booth still has all these knobs. It's old, but we need it for Weather Alerts.


Blogger Reinman said...

Haha! Great post, Dave.

I say that with sincerity. A good, yet contextually unique immitation is hard to pull off. Well done.

(I also like the J.Q. vs. Cyber Insects reference that will be funny to maybe three whole readers.)

8:46 AM  
Blogger Jilb said...

Is it me or do your posts seem to get longer and longer?

I used to believe that junk about not swimming for a half hour. Why would our parents even tell us that?

Lies, all lies.. Are you trying to tell us not to listen to anything our parents say?

9:52 AM  
Blogger dangeresque dan said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:32 AM  
Blogger dangeresque dan said...

I remember my grandparents/parents telling me that if I did this; it'd stick like that forever.
I like the word Fudge-ickle. (courtesy this guy)
And I slightly remember the Johnny Quest's Cartoon Network brought back. . . I never watched them. Come to think of it, no one did.
The other knobs? I know what they do but do you really want me to continue on with this absurdly long comment?

10:34 AM  
Blogger mrswillyof4 said...

Actually, the whole not to go swimming after eating is true, not an old wives tale. It's always best to let your stomach digest food before any form of excercise. In swimming they stress the importance cuz if you are out in the middle of a lake or something and start vomitting or cramping there is greater risk of drowning.
I did learn that to pass my lifeguard certification. Didn't you JILB?????

5:53 AM  
Blogger Larry said...

Frogs cause warts (if they pee on ya). Hmmm.

Coffee stunts your growth. HEY! I'm short and I hate coffee!

Thats all I can think of.

On the topic of swimming...The Red Cross has changed their stance on this. When I got my Life Guard card it was an issue. Now, they say you wont die as soon as you touch the water, but recommend not doing strenuous exercise on a full stomach. Kinda funny how they change thier minds. Next thing ya know, they'll say that coffee does stunt your growth and all you tall people will be expected to shrink!

9:28 AM  
Blogger Graceland King said...

Yeah, my dad used to say that if I became a Democrat he would disown me...and I guess it's true because he still owns me. Not what you were looking for, but a jab at the enemy none-the-less. And in the words of Reini boy #3 "Oh crap."

This inspires me to post!

10:52 AM  
Blogger the devine one said...

Something about not eating your green vegetables can make your brain turn to cottage cheese so your mind goes completely blank. I don't know, I don't remember it that well.

1:13 PM  
Blogger Jilb said...

Hmm.. it seems that things that you think are true you find out aren't. Things that aren't true could be. Confusing.

I haven't been a lifeguard for like 5 years. And I don't remember learning too much about when it was ok to swim. We usually talked about CPR and First Aid.

I suppose if you ate something like a turkey or a cow you probably shouldn't go swimming. But if you ate a popsicle it would be alright. Who knows..

1:39 PM  
Blogger JC said...

I ate tons of carrots as a kid, but still wear glasses...bummer.

9:31 AM  
Blogger newsynews said...

"if you swallow the seed it will grow out of your ears."

No lie, that explains the twigs in the hair.

But our favorite real lie is the one about kissing frogs so they turn into princes.

Yeah right, thats why there's so many of them...Princes that is.

2:11 PM  
Blogger Colonel Havoc said...

Hey, thanks to everyone who posted. It looks like we struck a bit of a nostalgia nerve. That's fun.

Special thanks to Reinman for picking up on my feeble attempt at yet another "tribute" piece. Coming from the English Major, your compliment means a lot.

Although, if I were truly adept at mimicking Mr. Barry, I would have also pointed out theat you can rearrange the letters in the phrase, "Tint, Sharpness, and Contrast" to spell, "Psst, Dan can transit her snot."

Thank You.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Colonel Havoc said...

I would have also pointed out that "Death from Cramps" would be a great name for a rock band.

4:17 PM  
Blogger the devine one said...

All princes start as frogs, and all gentlemen as dogs.

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Mac said...

I remember that "tornado detection" bit from some Popular Science-type magazine in the early '70s. As a budding weather junkie at the time, I actually missed a chance at seeing a tornado that was two blocks away (and narrowly missed us) because I was fiddling with the knobs on the 13" b/w Admiral tv.
Thanks for the laugh! :)

4:43 PM  
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10:29 PM  

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