Saturday, November 26, 2005


WARNING!!!! If you enjoy being surprised by plot twists and new developments in your favorite Television Shows and Movies, DO NOT READ the following post.

The Colonel, due to his UNLIMTED resources and contacts within the entertainment field, has in his possession, SECRET DOCUMENTS that reveal how future episodes and installments of these programs will play out, up to and including (are you ready for this?) HOW THE NEXT JAMES BOND FILM WILL END. Read on, if you dare, but please remember that the Colonel will be incorporating the use of many CAPITAL LETTERS.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: ABC Sunday Nights:

Ty will find a disadvantaged family with more kids than the entire population of Bismarck, North Dakota. He and the gang will take the family's tiny little Crud Shack and transform it, with the help of SEARS CRAFTSMAN TOOLS, into a five story mansion with a swimming pool and recording studio. Everything will go wrong, while TY runs around like a poster boy for Ritalin. ™ Even with the deadline approaching the crew will find time to goof around, visit local tourist attractions and play guitar solos. The last piece of furniture will be moved in just as the family arrives and looks surprised. Everyone will retire to the new recording studio, where we discover that no one in the family can sing. You will hate them because their house is much nicer than yours.

Alias: ABC Thursday Nights:

It will be revealed that the agent everyone thought was good, was actually bad, but didn’t know it until they found out that the guy at the head of the bad organization was working for the good guys all along. Sydney will get REALLY ticked off at her dad, boyfriend, boss, or all three. The short guy will break a computer code to disarm the bomb just as the timer reads “00:02”. Sydney will get really sad as the soundtrack plays a mournful, female-vocalist intensive song to cover the fact that Jennifer Garner has the acting skills of a turnip. The series will be cancelled forever in February.

That’s So Raven: ABC: Saturday Mornings:

Raven will have a psychic vision, which she will misinterpret, with hilarious results. In order to get out of the mess she has created, she will dress up in an outlandish costume, with hilarious results. In an exciting plot twist, Raven will be heavier than she was last week. (With hilarious results.)

Bewitched: (Old episodes on TV Land, I guess. Credit to Gary Larson)

Endora will put a hex on Darin, and no one will know what the heck is going on, until Samantha figures it out.

The Apprentice: NBC Thursday Nights:

A major corporation will embarrass itself in front of America, by letting a bunch of misfit morons work out its next great advertising campaign. Caroline will continue her digression from a smart corporate woman into an annoying, grouchy shrew with a bad hairdo. Trump will fire the project manager for reasons not clear even to himself.

LOST: (Who Cares?)

I have no idea. The writers don’t even know. But millions of you will irritate the rest of us by talking incessantly about it ALL WEEK.

And finally:

The news that Pierce Brosnan will be replaced by Orlando Bloom (Young Bond) and Daniel Craig (Older, Euphorian, Gun-hating Bond) pales in comparison to the Colonel uncovering the secret of HOW THE NEXT JAMES BOND FILM WILL END…

Here it is…All together now…


Thank You

Monday, November 21, 2005

Doggie Furniture

Having completed the Living Room Project, we were now faced with the daunting task of keeping the dog and her muddy feet off the sofa.

Wal-Mart to the rescue.

We just need to figure out what to call her new place, so we can "send" her there. "Bed" sounds too much like "Bad" (A word I say to her a lot) and I just discovered this morning that "Pillow" sounds too much like "Kennel" (The most dreaded word she knows). I gave her a treat and said with great enthusiasm, "Pillow, Gina! Go to you Pillow!"

She slunk down with her tail between her legs and headed downstairs to her cage, wondering what she had done THIS time.

We could call it her "Cushion", but it just sounds so stupid. "Cushion, Gina! Go to your Cushion!" Yech.

Speaking of Stupid, I realize I am in danger of making this a blog about our living room, so, with no further ado, we now present the following Post...

Friday, November 18, 2005

Things I Do Because I'm a Moron IV

I was going to visit someone at the Hospital and needed a room number. While I was waiting at the desk, one of the receptionists was on the phone and seemed to be having a bit of a rough time.

Finally she set the receiver aside and asked her co-worker, "What do I do if a woman on the phone is only speaking Spanish and I can't understand her?"

Without thinking (typical...see post title), I dug deep into my non-existant foreign language experience and said aloud, "Uno monmento por favor?"

Her face broke into an expression of relief. Then, to my horror, she handed me the phone.

I held it to my ear like it was an iguana. "Uh..." I said.

"Quisiera comprar a su hermano un palillo de los pescados!" A voice on the line insisted.

As far as I could tell, she was upset because someone was comparing her brother, Herman, to a houshold pest, but I wasn't really sure.

I managed to remember one more phrase. I think I had heard it on a Veggie Tales video.

"No comprendo..." I said, handing the phone back to the receptionist.

I shrugged, "That's all I've got, I'm afraid."

"Thanks a lot." she said. I don't think she meant it.

Peggy Hill has got nothing on me.

(A quick, supplemental "Moron" story can be found Here.)

Because I Love Her

It started out with The Blond (Shown here in a picture that has NOTHING to do with this post, other than pointing out that we just got around to developing a very old roll of film) announcing the following:

"We really need some new living room furniture."

I figured, "What the hey...She's cute, she works to support my preaching habit, why not?"

That was Mistake #1.

Remembering the
Big Blue Building Adventure, we decided to shop locally. We were pleased to find a couple items that would look OK and repel Dog Vomit (a problem in our house) at the same time. We made the down payment and and scheduled delivery for the next Thursday.

I figured I was home free.

That would be Mistake #2.

We weren't more than 1/2 mile from the store when she happily stated, "If we're getting furniture, I want to paint the Living Room before it's delivered."

I did a quick schedule and timeline analysis in my head and concluded that she was really saying, "I want YOU to paint the living room before it arrives." I was skeptical, but tried to match her cheerfulness. "Sounds Great!" I lied.

I was up to Mistake #3.

Our old Paint theme consisted of one Cranberry Colored Wall and a bunch of what can only be described as "Circus Tent Stripes". The Blond's idea was to radically change this to an Eggplant Colored Wall (Just like Cranberry, but slightly darker) and, get ready... a bunch of Different Color Stripes. This meant that we needed to use about 240 ( no exaggeration) strips of masking tape. Figuring at about 2 minutes per strip of tape, three minutes of paint per stripe, two coats, drying time and then starting over for the next color, we would finish sometime during the Clinton (Hillary) administration. (In other words...never.) But I persisted.

Mistake # 4.

After working all the way through the first night (Mistake #5), we decided that we needed to motivate the
Whiner, The Hermit, and Mr. Critical to help. (Ha! You fool! Just call that Mistake numbers 6 through 1 Billion and get on with the story.)

We tried begging. No dice.
We tried threatening. They just laughed.

Obviously, a con was in order. Knowing they had a penchant for watching Home Makeover Type shows, we told them we were going to be on a TLC show called "While You Were Passed Out" or something. We parked a
truck outside, set up some lights and cameras, and started to direct.

They weren't buying it.

So we just bought them pizza.

Overall, it turned out pretty nice. The Blond is happy, she even invited her boss over for tea tonight, and I really didn't have to sacrifice that much.

At least I didn't have to
buy her a bunny.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Go West

(It's not just a bad Marx brother's movie anymore)

Here's just a quick post before we head west to visit The
Boy, the Bride and, of course, the Bunny.

Word Verification:
Every time I make a comment on somebody's blog, the no-spam letters I have to type at the end always look to me like a bad signature on an

I keep waiting for a guy in a mexican wrestling mask to pop on my screen and start making fun of me.

It's Over!

It Was Thirty Years Ago Today...

Not funny...

...but historically significant.

Meanwhile, somewhere up in Canada, Gordon Lightfoot has quietly taken his phone off the hook.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Things I Do Because I'm a Moron III

On the way home yesterday, I stopped at the local grocery store to pick up some lunch before the Viking's game. I was, of course, still wearing my Sunday Costume. In the dairy aisle, I was stopped by a dignified, older woman (about 125, I think). She must have been harking back to a more idyllic time in America; a time filled with Burma-shave signs, 5-cent Grape Neehi, and grocery store clerks who wore suits and ties.

"Excuse me," She said, breathing dust on me, "Do you work here?"

This has happened to me before, so I responded the way I always do...

"Not really," I smiled brightly, "What do you need?"

She must not have caught the first part. "I only want to buy half a carton of eggs. Can you get me a half-carton of eggs?"

I glanced up at the Egg Display...

She pretty much was asking me to sell her 25 cents worth of eggs.

"Uh..." I said, cleverly.

"WELL!" She said, "You've done it for me before!"

How could I argue with that? I pulled out my
Leatherman(tm), and used the searated blade to hack a carton of eggs in half. I handed her one half, and placed the other half inconspicuously back on the shelf. (It looked like a mouse had eaten it.) Apparently satisfied, she said, "Thank-you," and walked away.

Later, at the check-out, I heard a cashier in the lane next to me asking some pointed questions...

"What is this? How did this carton get cut in half? Where did you get these?"

I heard the recipient of my random act of idiocy say, "That nice, handsome young man who works in the dairy department did it for me."

I paid for my groceries and didn't look back.

As with all posts on the Band Blog, most of this is reported EXACTLY as it happened, but I may have stretched the truth in one part.

She didn't say I was handsome.

(The "Controversial" 4th Moron Installment begins Here.)

Thursday, November 03, 2005

The Problem With Our Schools

Disclaimer: I really do love and appreciate our Local School System. Especially our teachers. My kids have received and are still receiving an excellent education. This post deals instead with our Euphorian, 21st century, don't compete, "everybody wins, play musical chairs with a more seats than children so they all get one and nobody loses" culture.

I was cleaning out some old school files when I came across a bunch of award ribbons my children had "earned". This one was my favorite:

It was wrinkled, shoved into a folder with some other junk, and simply said, "participant."

No "Fourth Place". No "Cleanest Socks". No "Best Use of a Preposition to End a Sentence". Not even any info on what event my child supposedly "participated" in.

I was reminded of an exchange between Bob & Helen Parr in "The Incredibles":

But this, our family, is what's happening now, Bob. And you are missing this! I can't believe you don't want to go to your own son's graduation.

It's not a graduation. He's moving from the fourth grade to the fifth grade.

It's a ceremony!

It's psychotic! They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity but if someone is genuinely exceptional...

I get this impression of HUGE boxes of "participant" ribbons stored in each school in America, with students receiving piles of them for going to class, staying awake, remembering their names, etc.

My son thought it would be a cool idea to collect as many of those ribbons as we could and then proudly display them on a wall at his graduation party.

"Wow, look at that, Ethel...This kid really PARTICIPATED!"

Sometimes, I really miss
The Old Days...