Raiders of the Lost Dining Chairs

Both of my readers seem to want me to post a review of Episode III, but I will bow to the wishes of my Aussie Son and wait a few more days until he has seen it.

Instead, let's talk....Furniture.

I like to keep the Blond happy. After all, she supports my Paintball habit without complaint.

Last weekend, while down in The Cities, we stopped in to check out the very popular BIG Blue Building with the Yellow Letters.

We were pretty much blown away. Here was everything we had been looking for: Good, but inexpensive furniture with a distinct "euro" look. It was the kind of place where you could walk from room to room and see very hip, tasteful decorating. It was the kind of place where you could find furniture to maximize space in smaller rooms. It was the kind of place where you can tie the furnishings in your home together under one common, but diverse theme. It was the kind of place where you could spend the GNP of a small industrialized country.

I felt like we had found our next McDonald's: A business we liked so much that we would shop there FIRST without regard for their competitors.

But then the fun began.

We found a dining room table we really liked, but still needed to find comfortable chairs to go with it. We found a nice set, but were curious if they came with different color seats. Now please understand, there were TONS of items that came in different colors ALL OVER this store, so we thought we'd ask a "helpful employee" (Code name: Eva Braun).

"DER COLOR YOU SEE ISSSSS DER COLOR YOU GETZ!" She hissed at us. "ZAT ISSSS HOW VE KEEP DER PRRRRICES SO LOW."

"Ooooo-kay," we said, backing away. We decided that we kind of liked the seat color anyway, so we got a pick-up slip for the table and headed to the "Self-Service" area to pick up 6 of the chairs.

Now the self-service area is totally cool. It is a HUGE warehouse, at least three stories high, packed to the rafters with cases of furniture. It looks very much like that last shot in "Raiders of the Lost Ark"



I actually started humming the Indy Theme when we walked in, but then realized I was wearing my Brown Fedora and looked really stupid, so I shut up pretty fast.

We poked around the Warehouse, looking for the chairs. When we got to the bin where they were to be located, to our dismay, we found only two available. Looking up, we saw a endless wall of cardboard packing crates, seeming to reach to the sky. Perhaps there were more chairs in one of them.

I asked another "Helpful Employee" (Code name: Tonya Harding) if anyone could help us locate a few more chairs. Here is, to the best of my recollection, the conversation we had...

Me: "Hi! We'd like to buy six of these chairs, but we only see 2 of them. Is there someone with a forkli..."

Her: (interrupting) It's AGAINST our POLICY to bring the FORKLIFT onto the SALES FLOOR while we're open. (actually, that DID make a lot of sense...)

She glanced at the terminal in front of her.

Her: "The are EIGHTEEN chairs on the floor. "I" (dramatic pause) will help you find them.

Me: Thanks, but there's only two chairs down here.

Her: There are EIGHTEEN! I will show you....you idiot." (She didn't actually call me an idiot, unless you take her tone into account.)

Naturally, when we got to the aisle, there were only two chairs.

Her: You'll just have to come back tomorrow.

Me: Well, we'd like to, but we live 250 miles away.

Her: We'll get more down tonight and you can pick them up tomorrow.

Me: Uh...we won't be here tomorrow, we live 250 miles away.

Her: (Greatest line of the conversation...) Well, would you like them DELIVERED?

Me: Uh...how much would that cost?

Her: (I'm not making this up...) I can only tell you if you are within 30 miles.

Me: (Smiling so hard my teeth are breaking) We.....live....250....miles....away.

Her: (I swear this is the truth) You'll have to come back tomorrow.

We had gone from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" the "The Wizard of Oz".

At this point, the Blond simply walked away in order to avoid a murder rap, while I practiced my Coronary Artery Stretches.



Looking back, I think it was all because of the hat I was wearing.

Anyway, we looked for something comparable up here in the Northland, but just couldn't find a set that worked out as well, so in the middle of this week we ran down again, met some really great IKEA employees, and had a much better experience.



Overall, I still think it was worth it. After all, I got an 830 word post out of it.

And IKEA....Please take a good look at your weekend staffing.