Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Turn Around and Face Your Fate

The Blond & I were expecting important house guests, so the panic to set the home in order was on.

"I can take care of the vacuuming," she said, "But I can't stand that upstairs sink. It's been clogged since we moved in. If you can just clear it before they come, that's all I ask of you."

I mumbled something under my breath about her being a Prima Donna, but figuring this masquerade would continue with or without me, I trudged upstairs with a bottle of this stuff...

The label instructed me to use about a quarter of a cup for a small drain, so considering how badly it was clogged, I thought a half bottle would be appropriate. If I could only get the water to go down once more, it would be worth it.

It gurgled and churned late into the evening. This music of the night kept me awake, but alas, come morning the water still sat in the basin.

I e-mailed a plumber friend. Something about "wishing you were here again", but he wasn't available, so it was time to take things into my own hands.

Grabbing my favorite Power Tool, I proceeded to hack a HUGE hole in the ceiling of the room below. Exposing the offending pipe, I stuck in a Hack Blade and started to cut through it. The saw twisted every way, and finally took hold.

This is true. As the blade made it's way into the pipe, suddenly the trapped water began to spew out in every direction. Too late did I realize that there is a reason the instructions direct us to "flush out the drain with cold water for five minutes."

Two things happened simultaneously:
1. The acid that had been percolating in the pipe for the past twelve hours sprayed me full in the face.
2. It also ran down the blade of the saw, into the motor and gave me more than a mild electrical shock.

Well, now I was past the point of no return, so I pressed on, alternately cutting, wiping, weeping, and euphemising.

Long story short, the drain is clear, running better than it has in 19 years, but I kind of feel like this guy.

So, next time you are doing a home project,

Think of me, think of me fondly
When we've said good-bye
Remember me, once in a while,
Please promise me you'll try...

to flush the drain first...
...and wear those safety glasses.

Monday, January 30, 2006


There... Happy?

The Colonel finaly got around to awarding the prize for the great Blog Color Debate, in which only one person participated.

The prize, you will not recall, was that the winner would see his handiwork displayed in the form of changing the color scheme of the Ol' Band Blog.

Also, the LOGO has changed a bit. It used to look like this... (I'm still not sold on the new one...)

So, if you like the changes, please leave a comment describing how brilliant the Colonel is for getting someone else to do all his hard work.

If you don't like what you see, blame
this guy.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

That's Just Wrong...

LOS ANGELES - The Walt Disney Co. said Tuesday it is buying longtime partner Pixar Animation Studios Inc. for $7.4 billion in stock in a deal that could restore Disney's clout in the animation field.

Here are just a few reasons why this is so wrong...

It's the End of the World as We Know It.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Compound Interest

Driving to work this morning, I heard an ad on the radio where a guy was bragging to his friend about what a great day it was because he had “paid off all his credit cards.”

“This soon after Christmas?” his friend was amazed, “That IS incredible.”

“Yep,” smugged the man, “I just called up Quicken Loans and REFINACED MY HOUSE!”

“YOU IDIOT!” I screamed at the radio (I do that a lot), “You didn’t pay off your credit cards. You just extended them for THIRTY YEARS!”

I did some quick checking and learned (this is true) that under
Quicken’s brilliant financial guidance, that $600 X-Box 360 he bought for his bratty kid will cost him, exactly $1260.00.

Keep in mind, in the year 2035 while he is still paying off this loan, the X-360 will be sitting in a garage sale, (25 cents…still works!) stirring up nostalgic memories akin to our feelings about
PONG, EZ-Bake ovens, and Rock-‘em Sock-em’ Robots.

Man, I miss those…

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Ha-Ha...We're Nerds

In case anyone has missed the fact that we (My Family) are the biggest nerds on the planet, (Read the great Nerd Comment Debate) here's a reminder I got this morning.

This is the kind of thing we do ALL THE TIME. By conservative estimates, I would say....97% of the conversation in our home is stolen dialog from our favorite films. My children inform me that I, myself, have not had an original thought since 1978.

I was sort of impressed that Jason's friend, Marcus, had the
actual dialog from ESB down to a tee.

I was also somewhat chagrined to realize that I actually knew that.

Man, I'm a nerd.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Justice...and Silly Lawyers

The State of California removed this guy from the gene pool this morning.

He was in prison for murdering his son's 17 year-old girlfriend because she knew too much about a burglary he had committed. While in prison, he successfully ordered the murders of three more people.

Now, murder and capital punishment are not laughing matters, but I was somewhat puzzled by one of the comments that his lawyers made as they sought a stay of execution for him.

They said, that at 76, he was "Too old and frail to be executed."

When I heard that on the radio, I took it to mean that they were afraid he wouldn't survive the execution process.

I guess they were right.

By the way:
Using all his appeals, he lived after his conviction, longer than the entire lifespan of his 17 year-old victim.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Discover This...

I couldn’t figure out why it took The Blond so long to activate one silly little Sears Card. It seemed like she was on the phone for hours. That would have been reasonable if she had been talking to her Mom, or any number of equally pleasant human beings, but how long does it take to give some basic information to a computer?

Then I tried to activate our new Discover Card. (Motto: “We aren’t accepted ANYWHERE.”) We wouldn’t even have one of these, except Sam’s Club (Motto: “When a 20 pound bag of Skittles ™ just isn’t enough”) has made it their new membership card.

So I dialed the 800 number on the phone, punched in a couple digits and, feeling technologically superior to my bride, waited for the message that my card was activated.

No confirmation came. Instead, a RECORDING began to tell me of the wonders of Discover’s Credit Card Protection Service.

“If your card is ever lost or stolen…” the perky voice said.

“Shut up…” I said into the receiver.

“All of your unpaid balance will be…”

“SHUT UP!” I shouted.

“…and if you find yourself unemployed…”

“SHUT UP!!!!” I held the phone out and screamed into it.

This went on for 5 full minutes. Finally, the computer got to the end of its pitch.

“So if you would like to take advantage of this service for only 2% of your unpaid balance per month, simply say ‘Yes’.”

“NOOOOOOOOO!” I shrieked so loud my lungs began to bleed.

“Thank you. Your card has been activated…Good-bye!”

Feldercarb,” I euphemized.

My first purchase on our new Discover Card was one of these…

The first thing I ran through it was our new discover card.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Oh No!!! Bad News!!!

This morning, Lil' Penny woke up and found she had developed Elephant Head.

While her future employment opportunities will be
understandably limited, she is approaching the challenge with her typical "can-do" attitude.

Here she is practicing with Gina to be portray the multi-armed deity, "Ganesh" at Hindu weddings.

Attagirl, Penny. Here...have a peanut.

(please do not offer my daughter a peanut)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Things I Do Because I'm a Moron: V

Back in the early 80’s, when Steve Martin was still funny, he made a film called “The Jerk”.

In one of the scenes, his character, Navin Johnson, gets very excited when the new phone books are released. He feels that now he is a real person, since his name appears in the directory.

As I was picking up
Lil’ Penny at the Orthodintist the other day, there were a couple guys unloading a large parcel from the rear of a phone company truck. Taking a closer peek, I saw that the bundle was actually a stack of phone books.

I couldn’t resist.


One of the guys must have been familiar with the movie, because as I danced joyfully away, I heard him say to his partner…

“what a Jerk…”

(This Next One in the "Moron" Series is Word for Word True. I swear it!)