Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The Meter Man Cometh

Any dreams I had of sleeping in this morning were shattered by a distinctive ringtone indicating that the Blond was trying to call me.

She just left for work. What is this all about?

"Hey," she said, "I wanted to let you know I just saw the METER MAN lurking around the neighborhood."

Now, to most people this would not be a big deal. But we are not "most people". One of the Blond's biggest fears in this earthly life is that the meter man will stop by when we have a Messy Basement.

In this case, her fear was about to be realized.

The path to our steam meter was blocked by a small pyramid of discarded Pop Cases. The room with the water meter held MASSIVE evidence of our dog's incontinence. To make matters worse, the Blond had babysat her little niece & nephew the night before. (They love coming to our house because we are quite possibly the worst babysitters on the planet. We babysit basically in the same way we raise children & dogs; that is to say we let them do whatever they want, as long we can still hear the TV and no one calls the police.) Because of this, the Family Room floor was littered with LEGO's, empty pop cans, Beanie Babies, Doggie Bones, Coloring Books, and a half-bottle of "Franks RED HOT Original Cayenne Pepper Sauce". (Don't ask...)

"ARRRGH!" I said calmly into the phone, "Don't worry. I'll take care of it."

Leaping from the bed, I sprinted to the basement. Whisking LEGO's and stuffed animals into a plastic bag, I continued on to clear a path through Mt. Sodabox. After several "Dirty Dish Runs" up & down the stairs, I then tackled the dreaded "Poop Room".

When I could breathe again, I ran for the vacuum. Little Pirate Heads and Beanie Eyes disappeared into the dust bag forever. Vacuum screaming, I had just reached the top of the stairs when the outside door began to open right in front of me.

Busted...The Blond would not be pleased.

"Hi, Tom," I said casually, just before he came in.

"How did you know it was me?" the Meter Man asked.

Conclusion: We drink too much Soda Pop.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Things I Do Because I'm a Moron VII

My son thoughtfully gave the Blond and me a couple of REALLY BUTT-KICKING, Industrial Coffee Mugs. (Not like my old one)

Seriously, they are great. They are well padded, virtually leak-proof, and even have a little clip so you don't have to juggle your coffee with your briefcase, groceries, or small non-ambulatory pets.

So I pour myself a cup this morning, and an unconcious part of my mind takes over.

"Hey," it says, without bothering to consult with the rest of my brain, "If you're going to clip this thing to your briefcase, you'd better test it to see if it REALLY is leak-proof."

Now keep in mind that I wasn't really THINKING about this. If I had checked in with the rational side of my cerebellum, I would have simply held the cofee-filled mug over the sink while tipping it over.

For some reason that I just don't understand, the evil, unconcious moron within me decided that the PROPER way to test the mug was to HOLD MY HAND UNDER IT.

I want to stress that there is nothing wrong with the mug. It's GREAT. It truly is leak-proof. That wasn't the problem.

The problem was that I had left the lid open.

Right now, I'm typing with one hand.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Auuugh! I've Become Andy Rooney

col·lec·tion (k-lkshn)
1. The act or process of collecting.
2. A group of objects or works to be seen, studied, or kept together.
3. An accumulation; a deposit: a collection of dust on the piano.
4. A collecting of money, as in church, or the sum so collected.

col·lec·tor (k-lktr)
1. One who collects things

OK, that being said...

Why do so many DVD's proudly proclaim that they are "Collector's Editions"?

We picked up "Nacho Libre" the other night.

There it was, right on the cover...

I checked our collection of 18,798 DVD's (Most of which directly funded a new swimming pool at the Skywalker Ranch...See Numerous "We are Nerds" Posts) and roughly HALF were labeled "Collector's Edition".

Now, am I to understand, that if they are not a "Collector's Edition", then my intent should have been not to "Collect" them, but to discard them immediately after viewing?

I asked my son this question, and he patiently explained, as one speaks to a small child or a doddering old man, that "Collector's Edition" means that there is another version out there that doesn't have all the "Special Features" and "Commentaries" and extra "Quotation Marks" included.

Wiping the drool from my mouth, and popping another Geritol, I asked him why then, do we never even see these regular, apparently "Disposable Editions"? The stores seem to just bypass that critical step and go right to selling the Collector Discs.

"I don't know," he said, "Look it up." Then he returned to his cave.

Well I for one, have had it. No more simple, regular one-disc, plain brown wrapper, no frills, Joe Friday DVD's for me. And no more fake, "we never put out the first disc, but we want you to think this one is special, so we'll write that across the cover" movies, either.

From now on, only legitimate "Collector's Editions" will gather on my shelf, like so much dust on the piano.

As for the rest of them...Into the Trash.

Starting with "Nacho Libre".

(Sorry Craig, that was a long way to go for such a cheap shot.)

(...but I warned you.)

P.S. I should also point out that if you blow off all the "Dust on the Piano" you could play "A Thin Spoon Duet"