Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Cubs Win The Pennant!!!!!

I glanced toward the heavens and saw a graceful, porcine creature gently wafting upward in the breeze. listed the temperature in TarTarus as a cool 15 Degrees Farenheit.

Michael Moore shaved, put on a suit and tie, and sat down to a civil dinner with the President.

Then This.....

R.E.M. and the Mayor Said it Best...

...and I DO feel fine.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Things I Do Because I'm a Moron VI

"Would you PLEASE stop putting things in your mouth when you don't know what they are!"

So said
the Blond.
She wasn't talking to one of our kids, or even
the Dog.

She was, of course, speaking to me.

I had gone to pick her up from work. On this particular day, I had decided to use her car. As I neared her place of employment, I happened to glance at the empty passenger seat beside me.

"Oh boy!", I thought, noticing the pale, pinkish oval sticking out of the folds in the seat cushion, "An M&M!"

Sure, it was pretty faded. It looked like a single red M&M had been sitting there in the sun since, say, the Nixon administration.

But candy is candy. Without hesitation, I reached over, popped it into my mouth and began chewing with enthusiasm.

The absolutely putrid taste that invaded my mouth paled in comparison to the complete numbing effect immediately following it.

"Whoa," I thought, "That was NO M&M. What in the world was it?"

I tried to think. I had picked up flowers a week earlier in that car. Was it one of those "Plant Food" tablets you are supposed to drop in the vase? What were those made of, anyway?

By the time I picked up the Blond, I was convinced that I had ingested poison and was actually feeling a bit nauseous.

"Uh....." I began cautiously as she stepped into the car, "Do you have any idea what that little pink capsule on the seat was? I ate it and now I'm going to die."

"That was an Advil," she said.

That wouldn't have been so bad, but later that week, again in Her Presence, I absent-mindedly reached into my jacket, felt something, took it out, and began to eat it.

It was pocket lint.

For Part Seven in the "Moron Series", click Here.

Monday, March 06, 2006

The Spotted Hebacious Bisy Backson 2

Hey Folks,

Sorry for the lack of fresh content. The Col. has been busy pretending to be an adult.

Tough stretch for someone with an emotional development age (EDA) of about twelve.

Case in point...
The Blond talked me into running over to the next town for a good breakfast of whole-wheat pancakes.

They were really tasty, especially with the pail of syrup I poured on top.

Once they were gone, I absently picked up the plate and started to lick off all the extra syrup.

"Uh...Dear..." said the Blond, "...We're not at home, you know..."

Looking over the rim of the plate, I saw several patrons staring back in horror as if I had been snacking on a small baggie of mouse parts.

I just can't get the hang of this "grown-up" thing.