Thursday, September 25, 2008

"Captain" Havoc

We finally just decided to steal the boat.

Actually, we did get to meet the owners (nice people), so the rental was all legit.

Following a thorough orientation ("Here's your boat."), we set out in search of submerged rocks and other non-insured hazards.

Now the Colonel is not known for his outdoor-type manly prowess. At least not like this guy, (or his Dad), or these guys. (Pretty much more like this guy.)

But that being said, he did manage to guide the Blond to a walleye.

Or two...

Or three,

Or four.

The Blond, of course, IS a fabulous Sportsbabe. She threw back all but the first one.

She also caught a couple hundred of these.

FINALLY, Captain Colonel established the presence of a "Y" chromosome in the boat by catching his own supper. After "uneventfully" parking the rental craft, we were able to move on to the next adventure:

A MORON's GUIDE TO CLEANING FISH

1. Find Fillet knife. (Hint: Look in the garage behind the stack of Disco Albums)

2. Stick Knife into Fish. (Use pointy end)

3. Field complaint from Blond about not killing fish first. (Note: Biological discussion of dorsal ganglia will fall on deaf ears. Just mutter "It's dead, now." and move on.)

4. Move knife randomly until chunks of flesh fall off. Check to make sure they are not your own.

5. Listen to Blond wonder why her "bigger" fish now has the "smaller" fillets. Explain to her that it is because she doesn't know how to fish.

All in all, it made for a good meal.

And now if you will excuse me, I have to go push a boat off the top of a dock.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Nature: and other Icky Stuff

The Blond and I felt we must rectify the Missing Salad Dressing Situation, so we loaded up and Vibed all the way to Deer River. (Motto: We're just like Elk River, only smaller)

Since we were there anyway, we took the opportunity to stock up on other essentials, like drinkable water.

The weather being much nicer today, (And I dangle the participle incorrectly) we wanted to rent a boat. Unfortunately, (this is true) the RESORT is STILL DESERTED.
It's eerie. The lawn is mowed, the trash bins are emptied, but NO ONE seems to be actually RUNNING the place. The cabins are all open, but deserted. We plan to sleep in a different one each night until we get caught.
So, being flexible, we decided to get out and enjoy nature.

With the proverbial and literal Knapsack on our Back, we set out to discover "Simpson Creek"

We came upon this sign all by itself WAY out on the trail, and were truly saddened by the Forest Service's neglect in telling us of their "No Horses Rule" earlier.

"Well, Trigger, looks like this is the end of the line."

"But Wiiiillbuurrrrr..."

"Sorry." BANG!

The Blond wanted to press on, even without our horse. We both felt a deep desire to have our picnic lunch at the creek for which the trail was named.

After 45 minutes of hiking through what us city dwellers lovingly refer to as "Icky Stuff", we finally arrived at "Simpson Creek." Look carefully. There it is at the bottom of the picture. We would have stayed, but we had to chase the mosquitoes who had carried away our backpack.

We finally found some higher ground with only a few hundred thousand ants and dragon flies. Dining on Smoked Salmon, Swiss Almond Spread, and Crackers (Outdoorsman Food), we had the following True Conversation.

The Blond: "Do you think we will attract any wild animals with this food?"

The Colonel: "You mean like the bear you thought was breaking into the cabin last night? I don't think so."

The Blond: "I wasn't going to tell you this until we got back to the car, but I've been looking for a baseball bat sized stick since we got on this trail."

The Colonel: "You really are concerned about wild animals, aren't you?"

The Blond: (defensively) "Well, there was that lady who watched her guy get eaten by a mountain lion."

The Colonel: "Was that in Minnesota?"

The Blond: "No. California."

The Colonel: "Oh. Okaaaaay."

Tomorrow: (Hopefully) The Morons Rent a Fishing Boat

Monday, September 22, 2008

Camp Whatamoron

Dear Mom,
My best friend and I got to camp and you know what? There wasn't anybody there!!!!

Grrrr!

So you know what we did? (hee-hee)

We just moved into a cabin anyway!!! We just grabbed all our stuff, like our comics, and our toothbrushes, and our pretty ponies, and our toothache drugs and we just brought them right into the cabin.

Then there was this guy, and he came by and he was all like, "What are you doing here?"

And we're all like, "We LIVE here."

And he was all like, "The owners are out of town."

And we were all like, "We don't even know what that means."

So he went away.

Here is a picture of my friend. We put our stuff in that cabin behind her.

Then do you know what? We wanted something to eat, so we made salads, but we didn't bring any salad dressing. Gross.

So then guess what! We made salad dressing out of (I'm not lying, quit it!) Mustard! It was all, mustard, and olive oil, and garlic powder, and pepper, and some coffee, I think.

It was good, but not really.

Then today, we were sitting outside, waiting for the counsellors to show up and stuff, and along came this cute little chimpmunk guy running around, so we started putting out peanuts and stuff, and he gobbled them right up.


video


He liked raisins the best. That's my friend's shoe right there in the movie!


So you know what I did? I put a raisin right on MY shoe! I did!


Then that crazy guy thought there was another raisin up my pants leg!

Now I hafta get a Rabies Shot. I hope it doesn't hurt.

That's all for now, mom. Send candy...

and raisins.

Your Son, Colonel

P.S. It's night time now on the second day and we still haven't seen ANYBODY and we're kinda scared.