Monday, March 13, 2006

Things I Do Because I'm a Moron VI

"Would you PLEASE stop putting things in your mouth when you don't know what they are!"

So said
the Blond.
She wasn't talking to one of our kids, or even
the Dog.

She was, of course, speaking to me.

I had gone to pick her up from work. On this particular day, I had decided to use her car. As I neared her place of employment, I happened to glance at the empty passenger seat beside me.

"Oh boy!", I thought, noticing the pale, pinkish oval sticking out of the folds in the seat cushion, "An M&M!"

Sure, it was pretty faded. It looked like a single red M&M had been sitting there in the sun since, say, the Nixon administration.

But candy is candy. Without hesitation, I reached over, popped it into my mouth and began chewing with enthusiasm.

The absolutely putrid taste that invaded my mouth paled in comparison to the complete numbing effect immediately following it.

"Whoa," I thought, "That was NO M&M. What in the world was it?"

I tried to think. I had picked up flowers a week earlier in that car. Was it one of those "Plant Food" tablets you are supposed to drop in the vase? What were those made of, anyway?

By the time I picked up the Blond, I was convinced that I had ingested poison and was actually feeling a bit nauseous.

"Uh....." I began cautiously as she stepped into the car, "Do you have any idea what that little pink capsule on the seat was? I ate it and now I'm going to die."

"That was an Advil," she said.

That wouldn't have been so bad, but later that week, again in Her Presence, I absent-mindedly reached into my jacket, felt something, took it out, and began to eat it.

It was pocket lint.

For Part Seven in the "Moron Series", click Here.


Blogger Beckie said...

you are hilarious! Thanks for the laugh

10:21 AM  
Blogger Jason said...

mmm...pocket lint....

That was so good. I have to stop reading your blog because everytime I do I laugh, and then everyone in the library looks at me like im a dork..haha...

12:15 PM  
Blogger dangeresque dan said...

I've eaten Tylenol before thinking it was Tic-Tacs. That tastes horrible. I refused to take Tylenol because of that experience. How'd that lint treat ya?

8:40 PM  
Blogger midnight mama said...

My stomach hurts! You are way too funny!

10:14 PM  
Blogger JC said...

LOL- as soon as I started reading the post, then saw the pictures I said outloud to myself "it's an Advil"!!
That was funny.

7:27 AM  
Blogger SuperStar said...

hAHAHAHAHA! I th ought it was advil the whole time.. That is sick.. You should learn your lesson Al! Hahaha.

8:20 AM  
Blogger Jilb said...

Lol- I don't even know what to say.

11:19 AM  
Blogger Graceland King said...

I mistake pocket lint for cotton candy too!

2:35 PM  
Blogger the devine one said...

I probably shouldn't go to your blog at the library either, as Jason said. I laugh too hard and loud and instead of getting friendly smiles, I get evil glares.

But I still will.

4:07 PM  
Blogger newsynews said...

We(as in everyone we could find to read this out loud to)laughed so hard, the old people in the park heard us!

8:41 AM  
Blogger L.A.tentIntent said...

I'm the exact same way! It's a scary thing. I've had to call the Poison Control Center more then once.

9:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is stupid...I'm Italian...w.Italy

9:10 AM  
Blogger Larry said...

I guess we can eat pocket lint...but not Italian.

9:21 PM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

we read this, and two things happened at once. I thought, "so that's where Aaron gets it" and Phil said it.


9:17 PM  
Anonymous Spid said...

You're an absolute Moron!

Love ya Bro!

9:37 AM  

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