Things I Do Because I'm a Moron VI

"Would you PLEASE stop putting things in your mouth when you don't know what they are!"

So said the Blond.
She wasn't talking to one of our kids, or even the Dog.

She was, of course, speaking to me.

I had gone to pick her up from work. On this particular day, I had decided to use her car. As I neared her place of employment, I happened to glance at the empty passenger seat beside me.



"Oh boy!", I thought, noticing the pale, pinkish oval sticking out of the folds in the seat cushion, "An M&M!"

Sure, it was pretty faded. It looked like a single red M&M had been sitting there in the sun since, say, the Nixon administration.

But candy is candy. Without hesitation, I reached over, popped it into my mouth and began chewing with enthusiasm.

The absolutely putrid taste that invaded my mouth paled in comparison to the complete numbing effect immediately following it.

"Whoa," I thought, "That was NO M&M. What in the world was it?"

I tried to think. I had picked up flowers a week earlier in that car. Was it one of those "Plant Food" tablets you are supposed to drop in the vase? What were those made of, anyway?

By the time I picked up the Blond, I was convinced that I had ingested poison and was actually feeling a bit nauseous.

"Uh....." I began cautiously as she stepped into the car, "Do you have any idea what that little pink capsule on the seat was? I ate it and now I'm going to die."

"That was an Advil," she said.

That wouldn't have been so bad, but later that week, again in Her Presence, I absent-mindedly reached into my jacket, felt something, took it out, and began to eat it.

It was pocket lint.

For Part Seven in the "Moron Series", click Here.