Life on the Road: Moron Edition

I was on my way for a day trip to the land of Paul and Babe when the snow began to fall. The Blond, showing her usual confidence in my driving skills, left me a terse voice mail:

“Don’t be a moron. (has she MET me?) Just stay overnight and come home tomorrow.”

Glancing around at the interior of the Vibe, I took the following inventory for my forced sleep-over on the road:

Clothing: Pretty much what I was wearing
Toiletries: Nothing
Food: ½ Package of breath mints
Contents of my Wallet: $1 and a bunch of Christmas shopping receipts

Stopping off at Mega-lo Mart, I was able to use a magical piece of plastic to obtain cheap little razors, deodorant, and other accouterments.

The toothbrush folds up like a switchblade…cool.

Heading back to the hotel, my rumbling intestines told me I still hadn’t solved the food problem. Momentarily forgetting the meager contents of my wallet, I pulled into the drive-thru of a local eatery and ordered what would prove to vaguely resemble, but not quite in fact be, a burrito.

I am not making this up. The $1.39 cent price tag completely drained my wallet and was only covered following a frantic search through the cushion of the passenger seat for the final necessary coins. Smashing through a snow bank to enter the hotel parking lot, I realized that I still needed something to drink. The bouncing of the vehicle dislodged a cylindrical object that rolled beneath my feet. It was an open, ½ full, but completely frozen can of Diet Coke.

Treasure...

In the room, I enjoyed my sumptuous feast. Between bites of the faux burrito, I warmed the can between my hands, sucking tiny sips of flat coke juice as they thawed.

Carefully hanging the same work clothes I would need to look professional the next day, I promptly fell asleep in my underpants. I mention this only because this blog has previously declared the word “underpants” to be funny.

The next morning, I crawled to the bathroom sink where I discovered the accuracy of the term, “cheap little razors”. I actually had this phone conversation with the Blond while I was shaving:

Me: “Yeah, it went pretty well. (Scraaaaaape…nick) I got a cool toothbrush. And I got some of those disposable razors.”

Her: “What kind of razors?”

Me: “Well, they had a single Gillette for $2.95, (gouge…drip, drip) and they had a generic package that was 5 for 97 cents!”

Blond: (Sighing) “And which one did you get?”

Me: (actually wrapping my neck in toilet paper to avoid getting bloodstains on my shirt) “What do you think?”

Leaving several layers of my skin in the sink along with the other 4 razors, I headed into work. The first thing my co-workers greeted me with was:

“Didn’t you wear those clothes yesterday?”