“Hey!” The Colonel
woke the Blond at 4:30 am. “This has
been a super-relaxing vacation so far, right?”
She looked at him with the same suspicion she usually
reserves for phone solicitors and kiosk-based skin care products salesmen.
“Yeah…” she said, warily.
“Well, what do you say we start the day doing something
incredibly strenuous in the hot, humid air, and then end the afternoon doing
something completely dangerous, stupid, and non-age-appropriate?”
“Yes to the first,” She responded. “As far as the second, you’re on your own.”
“Cool!” I said, undeterred.
“Let’s go hike to the top of Diamondhead!”
A quick bus ride later and we were plodding up the long,
sloping approach path to state park’s entrance.
We paid our two dollars, ignored all warning signs (NOT for people with
Heart Problems! This is HARD! Seriously, you WILL DIE!) and started up the
concrete path.
“Man, what a beautiful day!” I enthused, trying not to
notice the walking, gasping corpses passing us on their way back down. “A nice gradual path, sun shining, we’ve got
water, strong legs, and a can-do attitude.
Let’s do this thing!”
Gradually, the path became steeper, and steeper, and
steeper. He weather got hotter, and more and more humid. The concrete path gave way to uneven dirt,
which soon gave way to steep, barren rock.
Beginning to sweat, we leaned, just for a moment, on a rail to catch our
breath.
“Don’t worry,” groaned a descending victim. “It gets worse.”
It did. Much worse.
Soon we began to feel very much like Sam and Frodo at Cirith
Ungol. Our inner Gollum led up further.
Switchback after switchback disappeared beneath us until we turned a corner
and beheld, before us, taunting us, a
steep staircase, about 5,280 steps in all.
“Up, up, up the stairs…” Gollum chanted.
“And then…into…the tunnel.” He breathed.
Now carrying one of my lungs in my cargo pants pocket, I
hoped the worst was over. The blond
wasn’t doing much better. Near the end
of the tunnel, She turned the corner ahead of me.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!”
There it was, another staircase, twice as steep, and trice
as long as the previous. I didn’t have
the strength left to snap a picture.
Younger, better conditioned hikers were assisting, pressing
on our buttocks, pushing upward, ever upward from behind. I distinctly heard one mutter, “Geez, eat a
salad once in while, man.”
One final, spiral staircase (Yes, there was actually one
more) and we were at the top. The view
was probably worth it, I think. I
couldn’t really tell through the sweat in my eyes. Also, I think my heart had stopped.
Staggering back down the crater path, we encountered a
slightly winded looking couple, leaning on the rail at the half-way point.
“Don’t worry,” we said.
“It gets worse.”
That should have done it for the day. Any sane person would have gone back to the
beach and simply crashed there until local enforcement was compelled to scoop
them up like so much leftover trash.
That is, in fact, pretty much what the Blond did.
But not the Moron.
Still catching his breath from the morning climb, he managed
to find enough wind to put together the following words. “I think I’m going to
rent a surfboard.”
The Blond looked at him over the top of her sunglasses.
“Yeah, you go ahead and do that,” she said.
“Enjoy the afterlife.”
Easing over to the Rental Tent, I nudged in between all the
young, buff, tanned bodies to speak with the proprietor.
“Fifteen dollars for the first hour.” He regarded me
warily. “We also offer lessons. Forty
dollars for a semi-private lesson, and $100 for the advanced class if you
really want to go deeper.”
“Look at me,” I replied. “Do I look like a guy who wants to
go deeper?”
“Fifteen bucks,” he said. “Hey, Duke! Get this guy a long
board.”
Here’s what you need to know. “Long board” is code. While the youngsters next to me had these
sleek, narrow, hot-rod boards, I was given a 15-foot long, 3 foot wide
Styrofoam monstrosity. I could have
built a house on it. The bright red,
stenciled “Beginner” painted across it could be seen from outer space.
After an intense safety orientation, (“Here’s your
surfboard.”) I tucked it under my arm and headed out.
Except, it was so wide that I literally could not get it
tucked under my arm, making me appear quite awkward as I dragged it into the
surf, fighting the wind, and banging annoyed sunbathers on the head.
Then the fun began.
And by fun, of course, I mean torture.
If I had been live-tweeting the experience, it would have
gone something like this:
“Oh. Here comes a
wave. I’m supposed to paddle through it.”
“Arrgh. Next time,
close your mouth, idiot. I wonder if it’s
healthy to swallow that much salt water?”
“Here comes another wave.”
“No! The mouth! Close your stupid mouth! You are not Michael Jordan.”
“OK, keep paddling.
Paddle, paddle, paddle. You can
do this.”
“Why is everyone else getting out there so much faster than
me?”
“My surfboard hates me.”
This is true. It was
so wide, my arms were rubbing on the sides as I tried to paddle. Painful.
Very painful.
“OK, I’m finally out here.
Now I’m supposed to turn around, and apparently “Catch a wave.” Thanks, YouTube.”
“Here one comes. They
looked much smaller from shore.”
“Am I supposed to be upside down? This can’t be right.”
“I’m sure my surfboard hates me.”
“How can I be this close to shore already? I haven’t done anything, yet. Now, I have to paddle out again. I despise paddling out.”
“This sucks.”
(Hours later…)
“OK, here comes another wave. Get in the white stuff. Paddle hard.”
“Hey I’m moving! Now
I’m supposed to leap to my feet. Man, I hate doing burpies.”
“Wow! I’m up! Hey!
Where did the wave go?”
“These rocks are sharp.”
After returning the devil-board, (Rental Dude: “How was it?”
Me: “Gurgle…gasp…grunt.”) I flopped down next to the Blond. I rolled on to my back and she tossed a hat
over my eyes.
Beginning to lose consciousness, I asked her one final
question.
“Is the ocean still there?”
“Yeah,” she said. “Why?”
“I thought I drank it.”
Up next: A brief history of Hawaii, as heard by a slightly
deaf guy at a Luau.