This One's Too Hot...This One's Too Cold...
…and This One… 
It all began with the Blond stating that “We need to change the toilet seat. The stupid dog has scratched this one all up, while drinking out of the toilet.”
“But dear,” the Colonel whined, “I like our present toilet seat. I spend many an hour on it, checking Facebook updates and planning the suspicious demise of said canine.”
“Look,” She responded, “We have guests arriving Wednesday, and I will not have them resting upon a scratchy surface.”
Thus began SeatQuest, 2010.
The Colonel foolishly thought he could just stop at the local Target store and purchase the all-important furnishing.
Preferring the Wooden Variety, he grabbed a nice $11 model (pictured in the center) and headed for home, eager to install it and return to regular, bathroom activity.
It turns out that all Wooden Toilet Seats are not created equal.
That seat is about 1/8 of an inch thick. Li’l Penny thought she was going to break it in half, just lifting the lid.
OK, set that one aside. Tomorrow, I get to try to sneak it by the friendly Target Return Department Personnel, who are hired by Satan.
Next stop, Lowes.
This time, the Colonel was smart enough to check the thickness of the display model before purchase. It looked very similar to our original seat. Yes!!!!
Upon un-boxing this one, however, we discovered that it was just as paper-thin as the Target Model.
“Fine!” The Blond persisted, “I don’t care. Get a White one if you have to. Just make sure it’s Quality.”
So the Colonel went to L&M, and bought the one on the left. Heavier…thicker…This should do the trick.
“Uh, I don’t know…” The Blond Wavered, “I really like the wooden look. Why don’t you put that new, white one on the Upstairs Toilet?”
“Euphemistically expressed expletive.” The Colonel responded, simultaneously expanding both his vocabulary and the originally expressed scope of work.
Having finished the upstairs project, he gathered his nerve and asked the dreaded question.
“So what should we do about the main bathroom?”
The Blond thought for a moment.
“Just put the old seat back on it.”
Which is what I wanted all along.
It all began with the Blond stating that “We need to change the toilet seat. The stupid dog has scratched this one all up, while drinking out of the toilet.”“But dear,” the Colonel whined, “I like our present toilet seat. I spend many an hour on it, checking Facebook updates and planning the suspicious demise of said canine.”
“Look,” She responded, “We have guests arriving Wednesday, and I will not have them resting upon a scratchy surface.”
Thus began SeatQuest, 2010.
The Colonel foolishly thought he could just stop at the local Target store and purchase the all-important furnishing.
Preferring the Wooden Variety, he grabbed a nice $11 model (pictured in the center) and headed for home, eager to install it and return to regular, bathroom activity.
It turns out that all Wooden Toilet Seats are not created equal.
That seat is about 1/8 of an inch thick. Li’l Penny thought she was going to break it in half, just lifting the lid.
OK, set that one aside. Tomorrow, I get to try to sneak it by the friendly Target Return Department Personnel, who are hired by Satan.
Next stop, Lowes.
This time, the Colonel was smart enough to check the thickness of the display model before purchase. It looked very similar to our original seat. Yes!!!!
Upon un-boxing this one, however, we discovered that it was just as paper-thin as the Target Model.
“Fine!” The Blond persisted, “I don’t care. Get a White one if you have to. Just make sure it’s Quality.”
So the Colonel went to L&M, and bought the one on the left. Heavier…thicker…This should do the trick.
“Uh, I don’t know…” The Blond Wavered, “I really like the wooden look. Why don’t you put that new, white one on the Upstairs Toilet?”
“Euphemistically expressed expletive.” The Colonel responded, simultaneously expanding both his vocabulary and the originally expressed scope of work.
Having finished the upstairs project, he gathered his nerve and asked the dreaded question.
“So what should we do about the main bathroom?”
The Blond thought for a moment.
“Just put the old seat back on it.”
Which is what I wanted all along. Welcome back, Old Friend.
posted by Colonel Havoc at 5:21 AM
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