How to Lose Friends & Alienate People

A wise man once told me, "Hey, Colonel, you're a pretty anti-social kind of guy. If you're walking through Wal-Mart and don't want to talk to anyone, just pretend you are on your cell phone."

Good advice, which I often follow to the letter.

Today, however, on a particularly misanthropic shopping trip, I realized with horror that I had actually forgotten my phone at home.



So I pretended anyway.

I don't think anyone believed me.

Live! From Bismarck?

I used to like my Cell Phone company. Really, I did.

Friends would whine & complain about their coverage, their bill, etc, and I would just smile in smug satisfaction over the fact that I never had any trouble with mine.

"You poor, silly people," I would think, "Why can't you be more like me? I Love my Cell Phone Company."

I was so enthusiastic, that when our provider erected a new tower that extended service to the nether-regions of our territory, I forced my cohorts to pose for a triumphant, fist pumping, cell phone picture in celebration.



Yes, I am a Nerd. But the point is, I was happy. I looked forward to being able to converse with the Blond from the Walleye Inn without using a calling card. Cellular One was good, and all was right in the world.

What a fool I was.

Upon receiving this month’s cell bill, I was surprised to see, on my Unlimited Statewide plan, $34.30 for “Roaming.”

Hey, the Colonel does a lot of Stupid things, but he does not “Roam”.

So I called the Cell One “Help Line” (1-800-we don’t care).

“Hi,” I began, “I have unlimited statewide calling, and I have not been out of state this month, yet my bill shows 98 minutes worth of roaming charges.”

Cell-One Drone: “Yes sir, you made those calls from Bismarck, North Dakota.”

The Colonel: “I don’t think you understand. I have not been out of state.”

Cell One Drone: “Our data shows that you made those calls from Bismarck.”

I thought for a moment: “When does it say I made the first call from “Bismarck”?

Cell One Drone: “9:49 am, May 29th.”

The Colonel: "When was my last call before that?”

Cell One Drone: “8:47 am, Same Day.”

The Colonel: “And where did I make that call from?”

Cell One Drone: “International Falls, Minnesota”

I’m not proud of this, but I actually said, “Do you have any idea how far Bismarck is from International Falls? How could I have gotten there in one hour? I’m not Clark Kent, and this isn’t Smallville.” (Yes, I said that. I'm sorry.)

After I made some more, dumb comments about Star Trek and transporters, and how I wished I actually was smart enough to travel 441 miles in 1 hour, so I would be rich enough to carry an iphone, instead of my stupid Cell-One Brick, a “Supervisor” (“Hey, Larry, we got another jerk on line one…”) gave me the credit, but actually warned me not to make any more calls from Baudette, or I would get more roaming charges, seeing as it is so close to the Bismarck Tower.




I hate my cell phone company.

It's Not that I Mind Being a Grandpa

I mean, just look at her...

But Seriously, I'm only 45.

That's why the Colonel was kind of shocked, when on a recent business trip, he stopped by his favorite restaurant for breakfast.

"Good Morning," the Colonel said, "I'll have a Sausage McMuffin and a Small Coffee."

The Lady behind the counter didn't hesitate. "That's a Sausage McMuffin and a SENIOR COFFEE," She repeated brightly, and LOUDLY.

I was so stunned, I didn't know how to react. She was totaling the order. I HAD to say SOMETHING...

"gluuurp," I mumbled.


















At least I got my coffee for free.